raison d'être
by Xielle
Summary: You must be mad , or you wouldn't have come here.
1. Teatime with the Mad Hatter

_**Raison d'etre**_

_Xielle_

"You must be [mad], or you wouldn't have come here."

**Chapter 1: _Teatime with the Mad Hatter_**

- - -

_**Do you remember, Alice?**_

I ask myself – even though I'm well aware it's useless.

But I continue to wonder what it must have been like for her to suddenly drop into a world that is Wonderland.

_**Is it what you hoped for? Dreamed of? Wish in the back in your mind at night?**_

Frightening and confusing. Frustrating, perhaps? Undeniably exciting, though you wish it weren't.

Remembering it seems so bad and distasteful...because it's incomplete and unworthy _just remembering_.

You know you shouldn't, but you do.

_**Oh, Alice…**_

You want to live through it again, and again...and again. And again.

The adrenaline can take you so high, while simultaneously dragging you down. And down.

But you can't help but love it, in a _strange_ sense.

And how much stranger is "strange" in the strangest place that is Wonderland must be!

_**But it's okay, yet not okay, that I say – think – that I understand, Alice.**_

Because I may as well have fallen into Wonderland myself!

…Yet not, because it feels _right_.

_**Strange, isn't it?**_

"Do you want more milk in your tea, Harry?"

Oh, yes – strange indeed!

And I start to nod and smile – so naturally, even! – Before I catch myself, and stop. I must look quite torn and confused.

_**Wouldn't you think so too, Alice?**_

I really shouldn't.

So I think, I must be in Wonderland, yet not, because it feels as strange as it is right.

But the host just laughs and smiles at me expectantly.

It's got the proper atmosphere, and I've got the mixed feelings and reactions about it too.

…Okay, maybe just a little more milk…

So here I am, sitting in a rather odd chair that's hard, but also quite comfortable. I've got tea (with milk) in hand, as well as a scone, and more thoughts in my head than I could follow.

I've also found the citizens of Wonderland.

_**Oh, Alice, how do you do it?**_

Though I expect my encounter with Wonderland is more awkward – because while Alice sat down to tea with individuals of dubious sanity, I'm sitting to tea with individuals of _not-so-dubious_ sanity.

As if it's perfectly normal to accept an offer of tea from… well…

"Could you please pass me those biscuits, Voldemort?"

Well, okay, in Tom Riddle guise, but still…

"Certainly, Harry"

…and being all civil too...

The worst thing is that it feels completely normal, even when I know it shouldn't.

I know it shouldn't, but I think I have to wonder how it feels natural for things to be like this, when I think it shouldn't…

…Right?

"You think too much, Harry."

So I stop that thought there, and it feels so natural to do so.

- - -

**05.06.09**


	2. Hitherto

**Raison d'être**

_Xielle_

"You must be (mad), or you wouldn't have come here."

**Chapter 2: Hitherto**

- - -

If there's a way to measure, I wonder how far I've fallen.

Will they remember the good things I've done, despite the circumstances then?

Or will they revile the bad things I did, given the predetermined expectations of me.

…and I think of words, from a memory that shouldn't haunt me in the first place…

_There is no good and evil, only power, and those too weak to seek it._

But it doesn't really matter. Not anymore.

"Come on, Harry. He's waiting."

…or does it?

I'd like to think so too. And whenever I just see that smile, I can almost feel like it really doesn't matter anymore.

But it's also the very same smile that reminds me.

"Have I finally gone insane?" I can't help but wonder out loud.

And on cue, as if we were sharing a private joke (which we were, to an extent), we both laughed.

It wasn't a particularly heartfelt laugh, or the slapstick humor kind of laugh. Neither was it forced in any way. It was just _a laugh_ but it was also... _us_, in a strange sense.

It was also our way to reminisce, I suppose.

But we continue laughing, all the same. We continue to _hold on_…

"Don't worry. You're just as sane as I am."

…and I don't really want to let go anytime soon.

"That's good to hear."

He thinks so, anyway.

But neither of us starts in the slightest. Nor do we comment.

After all, he's appeared as suddenly to us plenty of times before now, so I suppose we sort of came to expect it, Luna and me.

It's only a question of when.

But we don't bother anymore, nowadays.

"Oh, we kept you waiting, didn't we, Tom?" But even as Luna asked, my mind already began wandering…remembering.

For every encounter is as strange as the first.

So I can't help but remember a story I heard about, when I was young. It was _Alice in Wonderland_.

I held what little I knew of the story to my heart, with amazed and curious eyes.

…to be in a strange place, in a strange situation which resulted from a strange chain of events, all because of arriving (by a really strange way) to a strange place…

Maybe Alice forgot it after. Even I don't recall many things from my childhood (if I ever had one)…

Maybe she chose to forget about it, later on. I wouldn't blame her.

I wouldn't know.

…But what about those from Wonderland?

Did they remember her for the good things she's done, despite the bad consequences?

Or did they remember her for the bad things she's done, despite the good intentions?

I wouldn't know.

I really would like to, though.

But is thinking of it enough? What would I have to do to know?

Will it help me understand? Is it easier, to be in this place, knowing what happened to Alice, after?

I doubt it, but I…

"You think too much, Harry." Tom jests to me, in good nature.

I smile, (finding truth in it, after all) and try not to.

But unbidden, in my mind, I remember. I can see, and feel it. I can hear words (from how long ago, I forgot) from a memory that shouldn't haunt me in the first place…

_There is no good and evil, only power, and those too weak to seek it._

I try not to let it show, as I look Tom in the eye.

I try not to let it get to me, as the three of us sit down to tea with Lucius, Snape, and Bella.

I try to pretend it doesn't matter. Not anymore.

…But, I…

I could only sigh, and wonder. Wonder to myself…

_**Do you remember, Alice?**_

- - -

**05.07.09**


End file.
